Mon, Tue, Wed, half of Thu

Hi everybody,

I wrote my previous status update this past Monday. It was about 24
hours after the surgery that removed my brain tumor and my right
temporal lobe, and I was marvelling that I didn't seem to have any
neurological deficits. I was lucky.

I followed the update with a walk around the floor, testing my legs,
catching some rays. The doctors and nurses cautioned me not to overdo
it, but I was feeling good. I was sent for a CT scan to check my
noggin. It showed nothing of the tumor remaining, but with all the
mess of the surgery in there, that wasn't expected. The neurosurgeon
that relayed the CT results also relayed the news that the tumor had
likely been cancerous.

Next step was to get out of there. To let me out I needed to be
oriented, to walk, and to pee. I passed with flying colors (yellow,
that is :). So we were good to go. I needed another MRI, and luckily
a slot opened just before we were going to leave, so we didn't have to
come back in the following day. So home we went.

The drive home wasn't long, but it was odd. The world looked strange,
somehow. Probably had something to do with one eye being crooked. :)

Also, the unexpected: I felt unsafe. I didn't realize until I was
gone how much I would miss the fussing nurses, their clear drug
schedules, their constant temperature and blood pressure checks, and
their constant questions about who and where I was. At home Sonia wss
learning a drug schedule that pharmacists and memory seemed to
conflict on. No-one checked my vitals. The pieces did come together,
but it wasn't till the next day that the unsafe feeling passed. Who'd
a thunk?

I slept that night, but Tuesday and Wednesday were hard.

We received a call from Dr. Reddy about the MRI results. Dr
Reddy had spearheaded the surgery (my head, that is, hahaha), and is
also known as Dr. Serious. The MRI just showed what was expected:
normal surgery aftermath. I also asked him what type of tumor he
thought it was. He felt certain it was a glioblastoma.

Glioblastoma has poor statistics; 50% live 1 year, 10% live 5. I
spent a lot of time, both through the nights and during the days,
working on acceptance. I used mindfulness meditation almost
constantly, trying to let the worries and the thoughts flow and to be
OK with the uncertainty. It was very intense, but I managed to gain
some of my footing again, to find rays of sunshine in the midst of the
chaos. I'm afraid in the meantime my dark mood made things only
harder for Sonia. I'm sure it was hard for my parents to see as well.
Things that I'm sorry for.

Wednesday evening Doug and Marie came to visit, and brought some extra
cheer and good humor. That helped lighten our mood considerably.

Thursday morning I was feeling like I'd started to come out the other
side. Ray and Laura visited, on their way back from Vegas, bearing
stories and more good cheer. Thanks again, guys.

I was ready to actually enjoy a breakfast with my dad, so out we went
to 50's Diner. Good times.

Sonia came by and picked me up, and off we went to MedShare, where I
worked and will work again, to file for short term disability. We
wound up staying for more than an hour, talking to Barry and Lynne,
both about their deep knowledge of the health care system, and things
just fun and unrelated. More good times. Taking a handshake and
thank you tour around the office, out we went.

After, Sonia and I went off to visit Bob Nickel, a good friend. He'd
worried about the faints I was having and my low energy level weeks
before I worried much. He'd also lost his wife to cancer some 10
years ago. Who better to talk to than someone who's been through
this, so we sat with him in his house, and he shared his experience.
It was sobering at times, but also uplifting. He'd been through a
lot, but come out the other side still the kind of man I can admire:
happy, caring, with great friends and lots of family, and a life of
many rich experiences.

That afternoon my parents left for the airport. We were sad to see
them go, but more than grateful that they'd come. They made our lives
so much easier for the time they were here, both during and
post-hospital, tending to Evan, cooking, helping out around the house,
and handing out hugs like they had an unlimited supply. Thanks, Mom &
Dad! (})

So off Sonia drove with them. I was feeling a lot better than I had.
I'd worked my way to acceptance, regrasped my hold of the moment and
finding happiness in good times now. But, while Sonia was driving my
parents, I did a bunch of research into the mechanisms of cancer, and
treatments that were available, and I found something that made the
acceptance a lot easier: a plan.

Coming up next: the plan, and a return to great days.

And thanks again for all the support, whether in person, in email, or
on the phone. Much appreciated. And sorry for the emails I haven't
yet answered; I did receive and treasure each one.

Love,
-Chris